Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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