Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she pinky promised me she was 18
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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