bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
