dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
