I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
