who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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