Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
