she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
