time to smoke my breakfast
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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