Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
