I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
