We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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