I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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