I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.