i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?