So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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