Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
