Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
