i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
