Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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