dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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