The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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