i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
