dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
