Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
