I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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