You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
