Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
