I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
