My nipple is on Facebook.
I am puke
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
