she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
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I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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