I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
