if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
