If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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