Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
