Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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