John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
