I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
