i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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