found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
