my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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