Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
