I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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