I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
