Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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