your parents love me but you hate me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
