On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
