I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
