I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
