i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
