The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Duck Duck Cougar?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
