i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
