Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
