you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
