I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
