I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
