My balls are so social today.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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